after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
