She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
