i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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