I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
