So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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