Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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