I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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