My boss' voice literally gives me gas
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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