I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
