I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
