I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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