You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
