Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
