I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.