i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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