pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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