This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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