don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
