I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
