Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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