i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
