I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
