I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
