i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
