She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
