theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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