i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
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We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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