Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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