come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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