I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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