the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
no. you can't hotbox the world.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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