if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think your dad took our porno
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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