I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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