you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Still dying that you shit outside
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
