so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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