At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
