3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
