Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
