So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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