I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
