She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
