Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
