I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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