the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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