It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sorry my hands just texted you
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So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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