i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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