There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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