Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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