is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
