OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
