I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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