I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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