nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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