Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
