Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
