the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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