just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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