oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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